I promise we are alive!

I took another blogging hiatus, as our life has been craaaaaaazy. Emmeline either has bad gas, acid reflux, or all of the above. I hate seeing that poor girl be so pitiful when she's awake, so we are trying all different things to help her and that's stressing me out. How will I know what is really helping her? Is she fussy because she's hungry or has gas? They say you'll know their cries... most of hers just sound the same to me. She really doesn't "cry" that much... more just fussing. I'm trying different bottles, gas drops, "colic calm" gripe water, we switched formulas, and she's on zantac. (Almost wrote xanax. That's what mommy needs!) I am probably tearing her system up even more doing all these things, but it hurts me so bad to see her not feeling well. I know their digestive systems don't really fully develop for a while, so I'm hoping all of this just kind of goes away eventually. I need to just accept that babies are fussy, right?

I also quit breastfeeding after 3 weeks. I was/am dealing with some pretty bad post-partum depression, so that coupled with doing what I thought to be one of the most difficult things in the world was just too much for our little family. I cried and cried making the decision, but after 3 weeks of agony, we made that girl a bottle of formula and never looked back. (Well, she didn't, I still feel guilty about it.)

I feel like whenever you get one thing figured out with a baby, you have more to figure out. Her sleeping is GREAT. She is still sleeping from about 10-6 or so and only wakes up once during the night and normally will go right back to sleep if I just re-swaddle her. I always feel like I'm starving her, but the doctors assured me if she was starving in the middle of the night, she'd let me know and wouldn't go back to sleep.

We took Emmeline down to Rocky Mount to visit her grandparents for Memorial Day weekend when she was just about a month old. We had switched to formula and she seemed to be doing well at that point, so we loaded up and headed out. It was a quick trip, but I just needed a change of scenery.

I know it just takes time to work out the kinks, but I am a crazy, neurotic, control freak, who just wants everyone/everything to be right and happy. I am trying to relax and just enjoy the baby (I think I said this around 3 weeks) but I am having such a struggle.

I have to go to "work" for 2 days this week -- basically in to school for 2 teacher workdays to tie up loose ends and finish up end-of-year paperwork for my students. I'm not really dreading it because its only two days and I know she'll have fun with Daddy one day and Courtney the other, but it does symbolize the fact that I do have to go back to work eventually which kills me. Maybe I'll win the lottery?

My husband has been a true blessing these past couple weeks, although I know he doesn't feel that way from my actions. I know how hard it must be for him to deal with me not "feeling" well and a baby, but I appreciate his patience and kindness towards me. I love him so much and want to be able to show him that, but its hard when you are struggling with hormones and imbalances. He knows that its not him and that I just need time to get everything worked out.

Sorry for the pity party, life really has been good and she's such a sweet girl. I guess its the crying from the day that may stick in your head and not the smile she gave you when you got her up from nap time.

Hope to be back blogging about our FUN times soon!